There was a point where it felt as though my daughter was throwing a tantrum everyday. I mean like, full on screaming at the top of her lungs, I’m unable to get a word in, laying on the floor kicking and screaming type tantrum. If you’re a parent or caregiver of a toddler, then you know how challenging it can be keeping your cool when your little one is having a meltdown. Believe me, I’ve been there!
As much as we may want our toddlers to just behave all the time, the reality is they are still growing and learning. They still have limited language skills so trying to communicate their needs can be frustrating for them, and hard for you as a parent not knowing exactly what they want.
My 6 Tips To Surviving Toddler Tantrums
1. Stay Calm
Flying off the handle and yelling is not going to solve anything. It will probably make your toddler even more upset and will only make the situation worse. It will also give your child the impression that yelling is the proper way to communicate their needs, which reinforces their tantrums. Instead, take a few deep breaths (you’re gonna need it), maintain your composure and communicate with your child in a calm voice. You’ll be surprised as to how much you’ll learn from your child just from talking with them and listening attentively to what they have to say.
2. Give Them A Minute
Sometimes while your toddler is having the meltdown of a lifetime, they may not want to speak and are so emotional they are unapproachable. Don’t try to reason with them during a tantrum; they won’t be able to process what you’re saying. As a parent, you may be tempted to force them to listen to you or get them to do what you want of them in the moment, which could lead a power struggle. Instead, give your little one some space to go through their emotions and time to calm down before talking with them. You can also use this time to breath and prepare for the conversation you’re about to have with your little one once they are calmer. However stay within close proximity so they don’t feel abandoned and reassure them that you will be there when they are ready to talk.
3. Love Them Even Harder
When your toddler is throwing a tantrum, the last thing they want is to hear you scold them. Instead, love up on them even more and over flow them with affection. Your little one is probably acting out because they feel as though their needs are not being met or they are not being listened to. Affection is the easiest say to soften the moment and show your little one that you are there for them. It lowers the stress level of both parent and child, and enables a better environment for both parent and child to speak with each other. This method is my favorite because it builds a bond between me and my daughter. It also reinforces that she can talk to me, and I will create a safe space for her to do so. When my daughter starts to whine or is about to throw a tantrum, I’ll sit on the floor and ask her if I can give her a hug. Once we are in an embrace that’s when I’ll ask her to express herself and correct her behavior.
4. Give Them Options
When giving your toddler instructions, always let them choose between two options. For example: “Do you want strawberries or blueberries for breakfast?” This will give them more control over their lives (which they love) and allow them to feel like they’re making their own decisions. It cuts out the opportunity for them to say I want this instead of that (which is possibly a tantrum in itself). I also use this as a way to getting my daughter to do things I know she does not care for. For example, its a struggle getting my daughter to brush her teeth or allowing me to brush her teeth, so I’ll say “Would you like to brush your teeth now or no tv today?” or “Would you like to brush your teeth now or in 5mins?”.
5. Don’t Reward Bad Behavior
Don’t give in to demands or threats, even if it means letting your child cry for a bit longer than you would like. You might think it’s easier just to give in and let your child have whatever they want when they start throwing a tantrum, but if you do this too often, you could end up with a spoiled child later down the road. I am 100% for gentle parenting, and 100% for discipline. If you give your child exactly what they ask for while they are throwing a tantrum, you will reinforce that acting up is the way for them to get what they want. Instead, use positive reinforcement instead of punishment for misbehavior. For example, if your child throws her toys on the floor after being asked to pick them up, take away privileges like screen time as punishments instead of hitting her or sending her to her room. You can even say something like “I know you want ___, but you can’t have that until after dinner.” This helps them learn that there are consequences for acting out and teaches them patience and respect.
6. Ask For Help
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, don’t be afraid to ask for help. There is no prize in being “superhuman” and “doing it all by yourself with no help”, this can cost you your mental health and the well-being of your child. Asking for help is nothing to be ashamed of, anyone who has cared for a child understands it’s challenges. Talk with your spouse, friends, family or professional. Whether you just want to vent, ask for advise, or take a break, you wont get help, if you don’t ask.
Things To Remember When Surviving Tantrums
1. Tantrums are normal.
Toddler tantrums are normal, even if you’ve never seen one before in your own child. Tantrums are part of growing up and learning how to manage emotions, so don’t worry about whether your child is “different” or “worst than other kids”. Your little one will learn over time how to better manage their emotions with effective communication and your help.
2. Don’t take it personally.
An important thing to remember when surviving toddler tantrums is to not take it personally. Toddlers are going through a lot of changes, and their behavior is often a reflection of that. They don’t mean to be difficult or disobedient — they just don’t have the skills yet to express themselves in a more appropriate way. Sometimes they can even say and do mean things out of frustration and anger.
3. Stay calm and assertive.
When your toddler is having a meltdown, it can be tempting to yell or punish them in an attempt to make them stop. But yelling will only make matters worse, and punishment won’t teach them what they need to learn about expressing their feelings appropriately — it will only teach them that they shouldn’t express theirselves. Instead, stay calm and assertive by setting clear boundaries (e.g., “You cannot throw the ball in the house.”), but also remaining compassionate (“I know you’re upset right now.”)
4. Give yourself grace.
Give yourself permission to let go of perfectionism and expectations for yourself as a parent. There is no one way to parent, and it truly takes a village. It’s okay to not be perfect, and who cares what other people think or might have to say. Parenting is not easy and is a full-time job. Burnouts are real, and parental mental health is important. If you’re feeling frustrated with your child’s behavior and struggling to stay calm during a tantrum, take some space to breath, get some air, ask for help, or talk to a professional.
If you find yourself struggling with how to communicate with your child or if you just want more information on how toddlers think and act at this stage in life, check out these books:
- Book 1: No-Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, PH.D.
- Book 2: The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, PH.D.
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5. Selfcare! Selfcare! Selfcare!
Parenting is a 24/7/365 job, it never stops! Its very important that while you are busy taking care of your little one, you are also creating time to care of yourself. Whether its taking a candle lit bath at the end of the night, going to the grocery store alone or going out with the girls, having the mental space to focus on yourself is important, and is not selfish! You cannot pour into your child, if you have nothing left in you. Self-care is important!
Even though toddlers can be independent and able to express themselves better than infants, they still have limited language skills, which can be difficult at times for both parent and child. It’s important to remember that toddlers aren’t purposefully trying to upset you or ruin your day — they just don’t have the language skills or experience to effectively manage their emotions. With healthy communication, dealing with toddler tantrums gets easier and less frequent.
I hope your enjoyed this post, and thanks for stopping by!
